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unrelated opinions and observations of my life and love.

 Hello! 

SO. I have been having a wonderful time here in Utah, with and without some or most of my friends here. Some of them haven't made it here yet, because school starts for them soon. I am happy to have been spending time with my hosts, other friends and new acquaintances. I don't think I am that upset about all the other people ignoring my messages. That's how it goes sometimes.

Someday I would love to be surprised by something nice that would happen, like friendship and relationship-wise. But it's ok. I am not in a hurry. About that. I am sorry to say but so many of my "friends" in Finland have bullied me and put me down for basically all my life. Some maybe out of jealousy, some people are just vicious, it seems...

The phrase: "You will get a husband in Heaven" and it many iterations have been prevalent.

I have been brainwashed to believe I am worthless. By my so-called "best friends". I mean, they are mostly all married and have a million kids and look down upon me and single sisters like me... WHY? Because they basically have no empathy and no tact.

I have honestly believed since I became ill when I was 17 that I am not worthy of a man, not worthy of romantic love, not worthy of someone who would choose ME to be their eternal companion, someone who when they see me, understand that I am not a choice, I am the one and they need to look no further.

YEAH. 

People have been really mean, Belittled me, bullied me and thought me worthless.

Most awful is that I was so immature and BLIND that I believed them. Yeah, I have been so stupid. I am glad I finally got the memo lol. I am so happy to be me. I need to forgive those people who have looked and still look down on me.

I don't often blow a fuse, but I do when someone is belittling me.

Before 2023 I believed I would never be worth enough for any man, young or old or anything, to love me. Then my eyes opened a bit. Then they opened a little more. Then I raised my standards A LOT. I was not going to settle. I will not settle. 

Some say that I should just be happy with what I got and call it quits. 

LET ME LAUGH. HAHHAH! 

I am very thankful for everything I do have. I have friends, I have my family and my cats. I have a home, a lot better health now since coming to Utah for a visit, I have hobbies, a calling at church. A PURPOSE IN LIFE. I think some of my "friends" don't understand that...

I love my life. I love how brave and strong I have become. I love being me. I love me.

Now, that doesn't mean I try to be self-centered all the time, selfish and proud, though I probably am at times... I want to be better, to learn and to grow. I have been learning a lot during my life, but this last year and a half-ish I have been making rapid progress... It is SO amazing and wonderful. It feels like my life is starting. I just needed to leave Finland for a bit and I found my inner joy and happiness.

More later! :) 

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