Cinders' story

 Dear readers, A moment ago I finally realized why I have the urgent and important need to write a lot. Especially about mental health, my personal experiences and all the knowledge and wisdom that I have gathered during these years. I want to raise awareness, I want to help remove the stigma, I want to tell my story. In August 2027 my mental health journey started 30 years ago, when I was 17 years old. It is a kind of celebration for me. How far I have made it, how strong and resilient I have become. It has taught me so much. At times I know more than the doctors and nurses. I am a pro. I have learned everything about the medicines that I have been given. A few days ago it hit me, I am not a loser and I have not lost this fight with my mental heath problems. I have conquered the problems, it has not overcome my mind or soul. Anyway, the way it all started was that I was bullied in school for 10 years. Other places I spent time in were not completely safe either. When I was 17 year...

 HI!  Rants are over. You do you, sis bro and everyone. I have had mental health problems since I was 17. My first diagnoses were psychosis and my development in my teenage years were locked and eventually very delayed. Even I can see how I were a lot younger in my head, and have been a little delayed in all my emotional, mental and I didn't grow up until fairly recently. The reason? Trauma. I was bullied in school for 10 years, on my mini mission in Jyväskylä my first psychosis started. Medication has been keeping me going for these 28 years since... It also made me feel a deep gratitude for all the missionaries, who supported me so much during my time in the hospital (8 months in total), and ever since. Except a few months last year when we had a "little disagreement". I sobbed for months. I have been trying to put it all behind me. The thing is, in fact, that people should not throw stones, unless they are perfect. Don't get me started! :D Haha!  Here are some ways...

 Good time zones and time of the days to you all! I hope you're all doing well. I am doing really well. My leg hurts often and a lot, I need to rest a lot. It gets worse when I help take care of my dad. I lift, shift and turn him, move him in the wheelchair etc. It is a lot of physical work so my leg is a lot worse now. My back problems are like a pigeon's fart in the desert compared to my leg situation hahhah! :D My leg is like a sandstorm or something lol. Really awful. My favorite cousin visited us on Friday, she is a surgeon. She told me it probably is a nerve damage and maybe also a infection or whatever it's called, in the hip area or something. So it is maybe not just one thing, but two! Oh man! It is awful... I wanted to travel to Utah this year again... Let's hope a miracle happens! :) <3  I am doing a lot better mentally, even when problems happen and I am tired, worried and sad. I don't feel depressed or anxious. I know all the ways I can relieve anxie...

 Good time zones everybody! HAPPY NEW YEAR! Let 2025 be a year of hope and positive change. Last year I experienced a lot of interesting, exciting and nice things. I learned SO much! I began to become an adult, more self-confident and happier and safer, braver and just very good at some things. I started trusting myself and God more. I am not scared of as many things than a year ago. Things I want to do and learn this year: Continue reading the Book of Mormon every day choose good books and good music pray a lot do more genealogy work and do more Temple work There is so much to learn and understand. The first thing to know is that you cannot know or understand everything, and neither can the people around you... Life has so many lessons for us all. They are all individual study plans and the learning will continue in the millennia and even after that. Don't compare yourself with anyone but your own former self. Because we are not all at the same point on our learning curves... I ha...

 Good morning, day, afternoon and night!  Hope you are all doing well. I am doing so good. My leg is often in horrible, unbearable pain but it goes away after a while, it's like a "pain attack". Laat night I went to the ER here in Jakobstad and they injected a painkiller in my leg... It didn't help a long time. This morning I was writhing in pain again. It is not fun. But it makes all my other health issues seem small and insignificant. So, to say it bluntly: My depression is almost gone or like without symptoms! That is FINE. :D Makes me happy! Like, literally! HAHHAH. My cats are doing well. My mom is tired and exhausted. Me and my mom are taking care of my ailing dad. He is in Palliative care. So... We lift him up out of bed a few times a day. He sleeps a lot, sometimes he is restless... Here's what y'all clicked on this post for...  Things I have accomplished in 2024: I gained a lot of self-confidence. I believe in myself and in my potential as a future wi...

 Good afternoon from Jakobstad!  Happy Christmas time! :) I hope whoever reads this, will be happy and feel joy and keep on going no matter what is thrown at them. I believe you can do it! I believe everyone can endure through all the difficulties in their lives. In Finland we have this thing called SISU. Google it... I am happy today. I have napped a lot and my parents are still napping. The missionaries in this ward are coming to visit us tonight and brining us the sacrament and my parents will meet the new elder here in this ward. He is from Washington state and he knows some of my best missionary friends. :) I love meeting new people who know my people lol. Yesterday we had the Jakobstad's ward Christmas party. It was fun. Today I was too tired to go to church. My dad is really sick and we take care of him with my mom 24/7.  My cats are doing well, they love visiting my parents, their grandparents... lol. They love snuggling with my mom and they love her when she give...

 Good morninng or whatever time it is when you read this! I hope you're doing well. I have been feeling a lot better than I usually feel in November. I think that my depression hasn't been bothering me for a while now. I am feeling a lot better, especially mentally. My right leg has a neurological damage and my leg is often very painful and I have no pain meds for it, because the pain is in the NERVE, no regular pain medicine can help and I have heard you get very loopy of the nerve pain kind of meds lol. I do NOT want to be loopy! Especially not from a medicine!  I have been feeling a lot more stable and even in my emotional life. I have been at home a lot. My friend Johanna helped me a lot many times when I needed to get around. I use a wheelchair outside my home. Because if I get a pain attack in my leg, I really can't walk and/or stand. Yesterday I had a lot of pain because on Sunday I needed to use my walker a bit at church. The pain came a little late, but it did come...

 Dear reader, Today there is no rant. There might be some opinions about difficulties in life, but I will try to look on the bright side. Just facts, happy talk and hope to become better. I am over the negative stuff and I feel like I need to get over a lot of the grudges I have been holding against some people and let go of the resentment, let it go and become a better woman. Holding onto a grudge doesn't help me. It has been making my life  really sad and pathetic. First of all, my dad is in the final stages of his life. There is a lot of health problems he is suffering from and they are taking their toll. My dad used to go for long distance walks most of his life. He never did just sit in front of the TV all day or such. I loved going on walks with him and these past few years his knees has been getting worse, they have done their part, so to speak. I am sad and worried for the end of my dad's life. He is 1/3 of our family unit! We only got FATHER MOTHER CHILD, in our famil...

 Good afternoon! This is the Cinderella monster. Like, literally :D If you know, you know. LOL. I visited Canary Islands for ten (10) days this month. It was wonderful! We ate good food, took many naps and shopped. When we were still on our trip my dad got ill. He is still in the hospital. When we came home my mom got sick. During the trip my pains got a lot worse and we rented a wheelchair for the second part of our vacation. My mom pushed me around and sometimes I tried to wheel myself around at it went pretty ok. SO. Today I went to a nerve and pain test to the big hospital here in my home city. My right leg gets kind of pain attacks and it is really painful. So now I can't go outside without a friend or person who can push me around in my wheelchair. The pain suddenly worsened before the trip but there it got unbearable. I am trying to rest.  My mom and dad were in the same hospital for a short while. My dad is still at the hospital and my mom got home today. I am at home,...

 Good morning from Finland! It seems that this has become my rant blog... SO sorry! I hope not to have so much to rant about today.  I hope you're all doing well. I have been "busy" and when I am not, I often get a lot of anxiety. This country is SO DARK during the Fall and Winter. It sucks! A LOT! But my trip to Utah did change me in many ways... I don't feel as much anxiety and not so often as before! I have a lot more energy! My depression is better... Before I didn't care if my home was messy or all my stuff was wherever in my home. Nowadays I want to organize my things more and keep it clean(er). I want to organize my books, Barbies and other fashion dolls, my other collectibles and journals etc. I want even to DECORATE ETC.!!! That is a first! WAU. I used to be so depressed, I didn't care... That trip changed my life. I have also now dropped 20 kilos of my weight! WOW. I have a diet medicine and it makes me less hungry. Only problem is that I forget to e...

 Good afternoon from Finland! :) SO, let's dive in the deep end immediately. (Because the title is NOT click bait.) One thing really makes me upset. It is the worst when people say things like "you're going to get a hubby in Heaven", "You are worth of someone lovely in Heaven" and "When you are a good person here on Earth, you'll get a good hubby in Heaven. Think of all the dead soldiers..."  OK. There is SO much wrong with those sentences, I don't know where to start. First of all, if you are married and want to "comfort me" with such words, just DON'T. It doesn't help. It doesn't make me feel better, comforted or whatever. To me it sounds pretty conceded and pretentious, high and mighty, that you love playing God, here now on earth and think you know that I am not worth marriage during this life. I know for a fact: You do not know everything so stop guessing. It is none of your business. If you are happily married, g...

Good morning!  Hope you're all doing well. I am really good. I came home to my HOME yesterday evening. I slept really badly because there was a full moon, I was not used to sleeping in my own home, in my own bed. I am feeling really good today. The "fernweh" to go back to Utah has not kicked in yet. LOL. It will at some point though. I think about it all the time. It is such a great place. I miss it like crazy. I miss my friends, the Temples, the food, the shops, the sweets too, of course. The sun, the warmth. No anxiety, no depressing thoughts. Not a lot of bad things over there. Maybe some old friends who don't talk with me or some I don't talk to. Or both of us being upset. All kinds of things. A few things I learned on my trip to Utah: What a HOODOO is. Americans smile a lot. You DO often wear shoes inside. The toilet, baths and showers are kinda different... You can basically say "hi" to anyone pretty much anywhere, anytime: Completely normal. Ameri...

 Good morning dear people!  I had to delete that last post, I am sure I didn't quite think it through and I most certainly had almost all filters off hahhha. At least most of them and that is just plain stupid. I am sometimes tired when I write and then the TRUTH (?) comes out, or parts of it... My opinions are very strong most of the time and I don't need to alienate my readers further and/or make them think I am completely cuckoo. I am a little cuckoo, but honestly, there are far more people in the world who are cuckoo to the same degree, or maybe even more cuckoo than me... I just have a lot to say!  Being bullied in school and at church and by people who have once called me their friend, that is not easy. In school I was a teeny tiny bit chubby, like maybe 5 kilos too heavy or something, so I was called fatso. EVERY DAY for 10 years I was bullied in school. Then my mini mission came and I couldn't sleep or rest for two weeks, maybe 4 hours a night. Try to survive THAT...

 Dear reader, I am leaving on Monday! I can't believe it! Time has flown by...  The best things on my trip have been: Visiting four new Temples (so far...): Saratoga springs, Timpanogos two times, Payson and Provo City Center. I also saw the wrapped up Salt Lake Temple, it's being renovated...  It was still gorgeous!  SEEING MY FRIENDS!!!  Pizza with Matt & Zane, running around the BYU are with Kjerstin, going to the Temple with Kjerstin, bumping into Bellon in the Temple foyer, going to the Provo city center Temple with James... and THE PARTY!!! :) so many dear friends. McKenna, Macey, Kjerstin, Julie, Kelleen and Wayne, Scott, Gary, James, Matt, Zane and Ben. And seeing Jared twice, we went to eat noodles and then later to the movies. Jonah had the courtesy to say he can't make it... Well, maybe next year. It is sometimes weird to call these people by their first names lol. They keep calling me sis Santonen or just Santonen, it drives me nutso! :D LOL. Nex...

 Good morning and happy new week! On Friday and/or Saturday I sobbed in the evening because I don't want to go home... I don't want to leave my friends... and my friend's kids are so nice. I have been told that I am good with kids. That was the first time ever anyone has said that to me!!! Back home in Tampere, it is a very rare occasion I am allowed to hold a baby. Probably because I have mental health problems. They have judged me so often, I am almost used to it... Also, they often laugh at me and the missionaries. SURE. HAHHA!  It is ridiculous. I don't laugh at them and their old family members! Mine are younger. OK?!? The ageism, the misogyny and hypocrisy! I just don't get it.  I am not into traditional roles, or other preconceived opinions about stuff.  That is why I am "woke". If I wouldn't be.. Well, that wouldn't be me! :D LOL. Let's not go too deep into politics and/or religion, sorry! I am happy today. I am listening to some favori...

Good morning! :) I am back lol. So... I slept in a bit today, woke up after nine! WOW. That is very unusual for me... But I have the flu. Yesterday we had the party!  YaY!  Remember the song from The Little Mermaid? "Part of your world"? I love that song. I have sometimes thought that the world which I would love to be a part of would be this one, I mean here in the USA and with all my friends through the years who have served in Finland as missionaries. They are my people <3 I have always loved the missionaries.  One of the "golden oldies" who arrived at the end of the party: Sisar Clayton (nowadays Campbell), she was the first sister I was friends with in Tampere, she and I went teaching together, I was helping the sisters doing missionary work. It was in 1994! WOAH. I was 14... It was 30 years ago! WOAH. The journey has been long. But it has been worth it. I have probably spent more time with all the missionaries, if you string all the times together, than wit...

Good morning from Pleasant Grove, Utah, USA! Yesterday I visited my fourth Temple during my trip here in Utah. Now I have visited FOUR Temples here in Utah.  Tomorrow I am going to the Orem, Utah Temple. Oh, the one I went to yesterday with my friend, is the Provo center Temple. It looks stunning in the evening... The lights around it and the beauty of the garden there, and of course the Temple it self. I really love going to the Temple. Now I understand why so many Temples are being announced all the time in Utah! Because people go there so often here! It is always booked full on any given day... I need to book my seat very early. It is amazing! My mom is calling me soon, better write quick! :D  After the Temple me and my friend walked around the Temple grounds, almost ordered Domino's to a random ledge/edge we found to sit on, but were afraid we were "loitering"... So when the police car arrive, we were already on our way from the place we found. We went to the pizza pl...

 Hello!  SO. I have been having a wonderful time here in Utah, with and without some or most of my friends here. Some of them haven't made it here yet, because school starts for them soon. I am happy to have been spending time with my hosts, other friends and new acquaintances. I don't think I am that upset about all the other people ignoring my messages. That's how it goes sometimes. Someday I would love to be surprised by something nice that would happen, like friendship and relationship-wise. But it's ok. I am not in a hurry. About that. I am sorry to say but so many of my "friends" in Finland have bullied me and put me down for basically all my life. Some maybe out of jealousy, some people are just vicious, it seems... The phrase: "You will get a husband in Heaven" and it many iterations have been prevalent. I have been brainwashed to believe I am worthless. By my so-called "best friends". I mean, they are mostly all married and have a ...

 HI. I love my American parents sis and bro Perkins! They are so nice and took so good care of me while I was in Payson! :) Now I am back at my Swedish sister Ellinor! :) My ma here (sis Perkins) told me that 1/3 of the missionaries either leave the church or become inactive after their missions. THAT IS JUST SO SAD. I cried a bit, not gonna lie. So some missionaries might think I am too much of an active member to want to be seen with me or are embarrassed by me?!? Who are these people?!? I am just flabbered in the ghast... Of course I can understand some of the thoughts they might have but embarrassed by me?!? NO thanks. And one more thing which my mom said: "It's a little weird that some of these missionaries you (me, Cindy) tried to help, invited into your home and took care of FAR AWAY FROM HOME, your parents (my parents) invited them and fed them and we all had spiritual and other nice experiences with. They don't invite you to their home, they don't even want t...

 Good morning from Payson! Today I am leaving the Perkins's home and going back to Ellinor, my friend from Sweden who lives in Pleasant Grove. I have loved staying in both places. Here the Perkins's are the age of my parents (roughly) and I call this HOME and I call them MA and PA :) I am so happy to be their bonus daughter, they are so nice and spoil me with Pepsi! I visited their ward on Sunday and I felt like I could fit well into their relief society lol. I even went to the temple with the relief society president and we went shopping yesterday to Deseret Book in Spanish Fork. About that... I saw an elder leaving the store and I got a feeling and a thought in my head: "Talk to that elder, he is going to Finland!!!"  But I didn't do it. I ignored the prompting. I feel so bad about it still... But I know his name is Olsen/Olson and that he is from Arizona! :) It is so fun that I at least saw him. I am still kicking myself about it though... Life is Tough LOL. I ...